Enough of my vague attempts at prose. I've been trying to cook something up with what goes around me these days but today I'll just be and give an excerpt of what goes around in my head. Simplistic. Not very developed. So here you go, here's a rant for you:
Of late... Oh well no. That's a very drab way to start with this. Once more!
It doesn't take a genius to pass a snide remark. Moronic, hard-to-please behaviour is not witty and neither does brutal honesty make anyone smile. I am often 'accused' of being too "nice" or too "naive". That makes me think if I really am and then I wonder why. Not a long while ago, a friend lightheartedly hinted demanding a little bit of love. Mostly all of us would come up with something witty, mean-spirited, punny, something that would give her the exact opposite of what she obviously demands. I didn't feel like doing it. I gave her exactly what she wanted as a reply. I declared my immeasurable love to her, let her in on the fact that she's the best I know. Nothing that pompous Persian cat didn't already know. Am I really that nice? Do I let people walk all over me? Do I make myself sickly sweet? I thought about this. Maybe I am actually that nice. Maybe I am genuinely like that. I don't want to be too sure but maybe it's the fact that things have never come easy to me. At mostly all times of my life, I have had the exact opposite of what I wished for. And I feel that irony all too seriously. Maybe I take myself too seriously. Of course, everyone has to work for what they want. I really believe that things never come easily to anyone. Don't mistake me for a self-centered one but it's only that when I weigh out my life so far, I only keep myself, my deeds and misdeeds on the scale. And perhaps I enjoy filling the gaps. But I don't allow anyone to walk over me. Giving in to obvious demands, giving in to feelings, requests, jokes and making a hilarious spectacle of myself; I like that, you know. I knew it but in speaking terms, I've finally figured out the difference between being affectionate and trampling over yourself to do something you don't feel happy about. I don't offer people fake charms.
Of late... Oh well no. That's a very drab way to start with this. Once more!
I don't like people who don't like people. I mean I've had quite enough of that. Fine! I understand, you don't enjoy the awkward silences, the self-doubt but that's us! Rarely any of us appreciate a dinner date seated beside an unfamiliar face. It takes a little stir up there and in here to really start a conversation and familiarize yourself with a stranger. I think that's a lot of fun. Honestly! And that's coming from a person who's very near to attaining the official status of a recluse nowadays. But yes, meeting strangers is healthy! If you want me to be cheaply analogical about this I'd say let's compare it to exercise. Those lazy bones and muscles kill you for the first two nights but a little consistency and practice and you don't want to give it up 2 weeks later!
It doesn't take a genius to pass a snide remark. Moronic, hard-to-please behaviour is not witty and neither does brutal honesty make anyone smile. I am often 'accused' of being too "nice" or too "naive". That makes me think if I really am and then I wonder why. Not a long while ago, a friend lightheartedly hinted demanding a little bit of love. Mostly all of us would come up with something witty, mean-spirited, punny, something that would give her the exact opposite of what she obviously demands. I didn't feel like doing it. I gave her exactly what she wanted as a reply. I declared my immeasurable love to her, let her in on the fact that she's the best I know. Nothing that pompous Persian cat didn't already know. Am I really that nice? Do I let people walk all over me? Do I make myself sickly sweet? I thought about this. Maybe I am actually that nice. Maybe I am genuinely like that. I don't want to be too sure but maybe it's the fact that things have never come easy to me. At mostly all times of my life, I have had the exact opposite of what I wished for. And I feel that irony all too seriously. Maybe I take myself too seriously. Of course, everyone has to work for what they want. I really believe that things never come easily to anyone. Don't mistake me for a self-centered one but it's only that when I weigh out my life so far, I only keep myself, my deeds and misdeeds on the scale. And perhaps I enjoy filling the gaps. But I don't allow anyone to walk over me. Giving in to obvious demands, giving in to feelings, requests, jokes and making a hilarious spectacle of myself; I like that, you know. I knew it but in speaking terms, I've finally figured out the difference between being affectionate and trampling over yourself to do something you don't feel happy about. I don't offer people fake charms.
Somewhere, I think I enjoy compensating for the hard, earnest work I have done (both willing and unwillingly) by sparing others of it. Something somewhere grinds in too solidly. I detest moaning over a mistake that cannot be undone. I'd like to believe I compensate for everything I did and didn't, did receive and did not by offering it to the people around me on a tray of gold. A beautifully decorated tray at that too. (Aesthetics matter!) I prefer displaying my unconditional love all too openly even when I think someone's life doesn't lack any. I want to try. I want to make a person laugh unreservedly with that embarrassing snort, eat with the chomp-chomp noise, slurp down Coke to the last sip from that ugly disposable bottle without feeling they're being judged over a lot of hooey we call etiquette, fall asleep with a smile and feel that they're never alone just because of something I said. Maybe I just feed my ego but, well, I love being selfish like that!
When my mind wanders to the dark corners, I often try to prod and question what is that one crime I'd commit and never be able to forgive myself for. My answer after nineteen years, now, is to intentionally make someone, anyone, go through any one of the unpleasant experiences I have ever had.
Yes, I'll never be able to purge myself of that guilt. Quite sure.
On another note, I'm perfectly smitten with this Barbra Streisand song! I wish men were like songs. But more about that later.
Yes, I'll never be able to purge myself of that guilt. Quite sure.
On another note, I'm perfectly smitten with this Barbra Streisand song! I wish men were like songs. But more about that later.
<3
ReplyDeleteI like the way you write, it's honest, almost like a diary entry and relates. And I quite understand how you feel, it's easy to be snide than nice, but it's all the more rewarding making someone smile.
ReplyDeleteA reader's honest response is the strongest encouragement for honest writing. Thank you!
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